Nonviolent Communication
Nonviolent Communication, or NVC, is a communication style that seeks to avoid misunderstanding and blame, connect people, and encourage others to give. 1 2
By saying what you are feeling and needing, making a clear request instead of a demand, and not implying wrongness, you increase the likelihood that other people will enjoy giving to you and doing what you actually want. 1
There are four key aspects: 2
- Observations (Facts) - What are the actions you observe?
- Feelings (Emotions) - How do I feel about the observations?
- Needs (Values) - What unmet needs create the feelings you have?
- Requests (Actions) - What concrete action do you want others to do?
Here are some mistakes I've made when trying to use non-violent communication for difficult or confrontational topics:
- Not scheduling the conversation 3
- The other party might not be emotionally ready due to circumstances that may be out of their control. By scheduling a time, you give the other party time to prepare emotionally and have the conversation at a time that they are more receptive. By not doing so, you might add to a heavy load that they may already be carrying.
- Not checking in first. 3
- The other party might not be emotionally available when the conversation happens, also due to circumstances that may be out of their control. Ask how the other person is doing to see if they are still receptive. "Is this (still) a good time to talk?"
- Trying to share all four key aspects in one
text message. 3
- This does not work because it does not afford the other party an opportunity to connect with you and have a conversation. You've had the entire conversation by yourself without the other party. You need to go over each aspect individually, affording the other party opportunities to learn more and connect at each step. Consider having a voice call, as it will be naturally easier to do this.